In the wake of Liam Payne’s tragic death, one fan reflects on the former One Direction star and how the boy band created space for gay fans to see themselves…
By Jesse Boland
October 16, 2024, became an unexpected day of mourning for me and many of my friends. Not only did it mark the passing of British singer Liam Payne, who tragically died after falling from the third-floor balcony of his hotel suite in Buenos Aires, but for many of us it sealed a morbid closing to one of the brightest chapters of our adolescence.
Attempting to describe the grief of this loss to someone who did not belong to the 1D fandom feels onerous, as there are so few words to truly articulate this real-time bildungsroman of what we, the self-described Directioners, experienced during the turbulent chapter of our youth. It is my hope that whoever is reading this article from outside of the fandom approaches this piece with both empathy and curiosity for a loss they thankfully cannot or have not yet experienced, but with the intent to better understand why for so many young women, and also queer men, the loss of Liam Payne serves as a final nail in the coffin of what was once our beloved treasure chest of juvenile nostalgia.
One Direction may have been lightning in a bottle, but it was far from a lucky fluke. The British-Irish boy band was meticulously crafted by X Factor judges Simon Cowell and Nicole Scherzinger with the knowledge that these five young boys would capture the hearts of young fans through the purity of their own authentic charm and charisma. The five members – Harry Styles, Liam Payne, Louis Tomlinson, Niall Horan and Zayn Malik – did not come from prestigious musical backgrounds, were not extraordinarily muscular or well dressed, and sure as hell could not dance for shit, yet collectively they possessed a certain je ne sais quoithat had not been seen in decades. The unprecedented explosion of 1D’s popularity towards younger audiences left critics (and fathers) nonplussed at what could only be described as a renaissance of Beatlemania for the digital age, reinventing what groupie culture could be in the world of the smartphone.
The significance of young male pop stars to adolescent fans is paramount in the development of our brains in realizing what it is that truly brings us pleasure. The still not fully developed brains of such young audiences are filled with infinite dreams, aspirations and ambitions, mainly for love of future romantic partners. The subject of a dream boyfriend has become an almost priceless commodity for young people willing to spend significant amounts of time, work and, most importantly, money to obtain – even if for only an intangible celebrity to gander at. Therein comes the role of the male pop star: the dream boyfriend who exists only to appeal to the young female’s every desire without ever hurting her. That is where the boy band is introduced: the “variety pack” of sugar-coated testosterone to allow young women and girls their pick for the object of their affection. Obsessing over boy bands has come to serve as an essential part of growing up. Michelle Ann Abate, an American associate professor specializing in literature for children and young adults, writes, “For young people trying to figure out the thorny world of sexuality, the boy band can serve as a sort of palette, a way to safely work out the boundaries of love and lust.”
But while much attention has been given to the role of the impact of boy bands and pop stars on young girls, what impact do they have on young queer boys/men and those still figuring out their own genders?
What One Direction offered to its legions of hormonal fans was not just a gluttonous serving of saccharine dopamine through music and TV appearances, but seemingly limitless access to the boys at the click of a mouse or scroll of a touch screen. Fans were able to engage with the members of the group through innovative new media and delivered a seemingly endless supply of content through social media posts, music videos, livestreams, video diaries, and even a Martin Scorsese–approved documentary. This cornucopia of content was not only overwhelmingly bountiful but it was also accessible to anyone with access to the internet, and thus allowed anyone to celebrate the boys, even those with the veiled comfort of being in the closet.
In the wake of Liam’s passing, thousands of now adult fans have recounted personal stories of coming home from school where they felt they didn’t belong, only to find comfort in finding out what exciting updates the boys had to share online. Many Directioners created community together over shared experiences of not feeling like they belonged in their schools but being permitted a glimmer of joy from their daily doses of 1D content. For young gay boys in or out of the closet in particular, this allowed a safe place to channel their repressed sexuality beyond the realms of pornography but to rather tap into the adolescent innocence of having a schoolboy crush from the safety of their own bedroom.
One Direction was far from traditional depictions of chauvinistic masculinity in rock or hip-hop music – they were soft and intended for parents to feel safe when their children screamed the band members’ names in ecstasy. Their music was laced with subversive sexual themes, such as sex addiction on songs like “Alive” or morning wood on “No Control,” but always recoiled just enough to not ruffle any feathers. Similarly, the band often played with their sexualities in ways that were sure to catch the attention of their over-analytical gay fans. The boys were known to playfully grab at each other’s crotches to mess with each other during live performances, jokingly gush over how cute each member was (during their concert film in Milan, Harry was asked what he would do if he were a girl for one day, and he remarked he would “do” Niall), and even celebrated Niall’s 18th birthday by performing at London’s iconic G-A-Y nightclub in 2011. Even their music videos reflected a more inclusive tone as their careers developed, steering away from being surrounded by girls in the videos from their debut album, Up All Night, to featuring mainly the boys playing with just one another on screen. The “Night Changes” video particularly stands out as the video is shot entirely through a POV perspective where we the audience go on five dates with the boys individually.
What all this allowed for was an imagination that we the viewer, regardless of our gender, were permitted space to envision ourselves with the boys to our own liking. There is even a moment in the documentary during their performance of “Kiss You” in which a young male audience member is seen belting out the lyrics before the camera quickly cuts to Harry announcing, “London, I wanna kiss every single one of you!” insinuating that there is a place for their gay male fans to be included and celebrated within their fandom. It may be a stretch to say One Direction were gay allies, but what they did do was create space for gay fans to see themselves as worthy of their adored heartthrobs’ attention and affections.
Sadly, as healing as it may be to wallow in the nostalgia of the mid 2010s, there comes a point where the Spotify playlist goes silent, the credits of the documentary begin to roll on screen, the fan fictions reach their climax, and the harsh reality that One Direction is truly over sets in. Relistening to old 1D music has always been bittersweet since the band’s breakup in 2016, but with Liam’s recent passing comes an understanding that the band will truly never be back like before. Oftentimes listening to old music of theirs can be painful, as it reminds us of what turmoil our adolescences caused us – the very need for escapism through their euphoric content, and now with the dark cloud of death blocking out the possibility of a reunion to bring us back to those days. What we do have, however, is the memories of those days that brought us to where we are now: whether it be finding the strength to get through a day of being bullied at school just to get home and see them on Ellen, discovering that not just girls are allowed to like boys, or even that you might even be a boy yourself and can one day look just like them.
The community that One Direction created through its fandom is something that has forever changed the climate of stan culture, and it cannot ever be erased – it is fireproof. So, as we mourn the loss of both a young father and the possibility of a reunion that can make us feel like kids again, there is nothing that will ever take away the golden memories and community that we created in the fires of the greatest band of the digital age.
JESSE BOLAND is that gay kid in class who your English teacher always believed in. He’s a graduate of English at Ryerson University (now Toronto Metropolitan University) who has a passion for giving a voice to people who don’t have data on their phones and who chases his dreams by foot because he never got his driver’s licence.
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