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What’s The Deal With Grindr Flakes?

A conversation with that guy who disappeared…
 
By Bobby Box
 
My name is Bobby Box and I am a Grindr flake.
 
I’m not active on the apps right now, but let me tell you, when I was on the digital meat market I was flakier than a stale croissant.
 
I exhibited my worst behaviour when I first moved to Toronto roughly two years ago. As every Grindr user knows, when you’re visiting or new to an area, you’re a shiny new toy that all the boys want to play with. This rush of attention is addictive, and I was more than happy to chat and send a few suggestive photos. In most cases, this was the furthest I would go.
 
I wanted to go further, but my insecurities always prevented me. Do my images accurately capture my appearance? Is my apartment clean enough? Do I suck at sex? Am I going to have to deliver on the filthy things I texted?
 
These are some of the many thoughts that raced through my mind after agreeing to a hookup. The noise from these thoughts – combined with the sexual preparation, making sure my apartment was in order, and the nervousness that comes with meeting someone new – would always outweigh my desires.
 
Anthony, 28, has only had the courage to meet with three men because his insecurities make him feel unworthy of sexual attention. “I often think: why would a guy like that want me? He’s perfect and I’m not even close to that or to anything that he wants,” he says. “I think the main reason I flake is fear. But it’s not about them, it’s about me and my insecurities.”
 
Fear is also what keeps Baker, 27, flaking. “I would consider myself a new gay, and not very experienced,” he says. “This is intimidating when hooking up on Grindr because most guys are very experienced.”
 
Baker’s other reasons are more selfish in nature, citing distance (he will not hook up with somebody more than 20 minutes away) and “circumstances” for flaking. “Chatting up a complete stranger can be exciting and fun when ‘needs’ need to be met because it’s a way to get off,” he says. “Once that need has passed, I normally don’t feel like hooking up with whoever I’m chatting with.”
 
“Sometimes I’m just not horny,” says Mike, 28. “I try not to do this anymore but there have been many times where I’ll plan a hookup days in advance and if that day comes around and I’m not horny, I will cancel that plan. If I’m not in the mood to fuck or get fucked, I’m not going to go through with it.”
 
When this happens, Mike will generally say something like “Hey, I’m not in much of a mood to have sex tonight, but if you want to hang or grab a drink I’d be down.” He is often turned down because the person is just looking for sex.
 
The cost of flaking
What flakers fail to consider is how this behaviour makes the other person feel. “If someone is flaked on, they might experience a sense of rejection, which is hurtful and can trigger existing feelings of insecurity,” says Daniel Olavarria, a New York City-based clinical therapist who regularly works with LGBTQIA individuals. “They might also feel frustrated with the perceived lack of consideration that was shown by the person who bailed.”
 
Because sex tends to be more prone to impulses, Olavarria argues this could be a reason for the heavy collection of flakes on apps like Grindr and Scruff opposed to more traditional dating apps. “Just as quickly as someone decided to shop for a hookup, they can just as easily change their mind,” he says.
 
Olavarria believes another reason could be that apps make it easier to dissociate emotionally from the fact that there is a person on the other end of the interaction. “While we intellectually understand that there’s a human being on the other end, we feel emotionally removed, which can be reflected in our behaviour.”
 
To ease the impact of flaking behaviour, be as communicative as possible. “The truth is, people have the right to change their minds,” Olavarria says. “I don’t want to see anybody following through on hooking up because they feel that they have to, or that they owe somebody something. If you change your mind, communicate that to the other person as soon as you can.”
 
The message doesn’t have to be lengthy or even require an explanation: just let the other person know you won’t be coming so that they can go about their day. Of course, if there’s short notice, an apology is always good form.
 
“Sure, they might be upset, which is totally understandable,” Olavarria says. “They may even share some choice words with you. But remember that you are not responsible for other people’s reactions; you’re only responsible for how you treat them. So long as you are operating within your values by being considerate and communicative, then let them work through their own emotions.”
 
Everybody has their reasons for flaking and everybody has a right to flake if they feel any sort of way – and the other person is free to feel angry if they choose to. No side is right here. What we have to do better is be more mindful of the other’s feelings, because there’s a real person behind that headless torso.
 

 
BOBBY BOX is a prolific freelance journalist in Hamilton, Ont. He currently works as contributing editor at Playboy.com and has had the privilege of speaking with the world’s most recognized drag queens, including, most recently, Trixie Mattel and Alaska Thunderfuck. While proud of his work, Bobby is not above begging. He asks that you follow him on Twitter at @bobbyboxington.
 

 

2 COMMENTS
  • Steven J. May 15, 2020

    I really feel like if you know you often bail, ne honest about that and upfront. People willing to make you feel comfortable and relaxed first before even starting to get ready to meet face to face will find you leaving guys like me who have no such hang ups but are very limited on time to find each other. For example I had to move in with parents again to assist them not so much with caring but simply to help financially so I sold my home and all that money for bills property lawn care Etc etc now went to their bills their property tax. My sister as a single mother decided to do the same so in moved her and my awesome nephew entering teenage years. Needless to say there were rarely moments this house is empty. Yeah I have a car I could drive to their place except I learned that if it is up to me to go to them i will flake my mind goes to walking in getting knocked out I will flake more often than not where if I host I still feel that anxiety even though I’ve done this before many times but its lesser and it’s too late to turn back they are en route they know my address asking them to turn around seems more likely to cause an issue but once they arrive and I see that hottie and he isn’t wearing a hockey mask I’m back to my self and let’s get this on….now I am a man with needs I know odds work or dont sometimes I just can’t find someone I am interested in and get them here to do the deal within the time frame I have I wish I could say this is the primary reason I went from having sex every week to not having sex at all. One month was a shock..then another and before I know it its April of 2019 and I moved in back in November the previous year i hadn’t had sex with a single person that entire time mind you I’m in the midwest where pickings are slim to say the least and as a fit, very good looking top with a lot to offer below (don’t blame me for my ego, being called and parts of you called gorgeous hot or everything under the sun that is flattering without fail you can’t help it and I’m great at what I do, and all my life still to this day at 34 I learned to feel the satisfaction most men felt with one orgasm It takes me 3 orgasms to feel sated I make this known but am I the only person that is dead serious about what I say I can do andwill do? Don’t tell me you can suck for hours when you can’t handle 5 minutes .
    I really wanted that blowathon ..anyway I digress) . Yet here I am a sex god as I’ve been called more than once not once having even a flirtatious touch..recently my urge became strong enough I’m willing to sneak people to my room between 1 am to 4 am to get them in and out when everyone else will most likely be asleep and stay that way knowing my mom and dad are up around 5-530 am. Did you know middle of the night flakes are far more numerous? I’m sure my situation plays a part but anyway

    Flakes and flakes and flakes…you have any idea how frustrating it is to wait and have your time used up by another flake to have to wait literally 27 days for another chance to appear, then the stars align and you fake feeling ill while everyone else heads out to some event or some kids bday party those are prime days they’ll be gone for 3 maybe even 5 hours depending….yes I had to resort to no longer attending family functions for a chance at meeting someone. I’ve never paid for a room nor for sex and my pride was still to high to resort to either so even as they are walking out the door my app is now up and running along with others to increase a chance I used to fear making multiple arrangements because what if they both show or more and they get angry? But now its July and batting zero, I’ve literally forgotten what a BJ feels like my now and I’m taking it for granted anyone I’m talking to is just talk but I’m still trying. I got a solid 5 hours on this Bday party for sure kid lives out on the Missouri side and that state line is 45 minutes away at least. An hour has passed and there are six men I had talked to shown and gotten pics and handed my address to all six were told to come over with their various ETA meanwhile when I would put on something sexy and be all shower fresh before I’m in the same joggers I wore yesterday unshaven hair still standing up from this morning and I hadn’t felt like a shower just yet I felt no urge oh how often after a little of my story I heard from so many apps “damn that sucks well i wont flake on you I promise I’ll take good care of that ..”…yeah that’s what all 6 of those guys said to and as expected the only cars I see turning onto my street are the cars I have memorized from my various neighbors until that familir dark grey Toyota makes that turn and they’re back. I didnt get angry anymore, or really any emotion I expected and knew this would be the case and losing sleep all night sure wasnt worth it.

    I deleted everything after two more attempts next month but was 3 same month but two weeks later it was 5 and finally I was just bored with it everyone talked the same everyone had all that game my last conversation this guy was hitting all the flake flags I had come to know I wasnt flirting back or showing interest I shared no pics I just said alright out “nah it’s okay no one really shows here” I was never this pessimistic, first he tried swearing he would and saying he could come right now he was only 10 miles away I lol’3d and said I’m good you wont show I know you won’t he got so angry and said I missed out on the best sex of my life that made me really laugh “oh what will i do with the 2 minute head and 5 minutes of fucking before your telling me to cum for you that you’re wanting me to get hopeful for and never show up to that I’ll never experience. ” he replied but I was full on chuckling as I deleted everything that night shook my head and never looked back…that xmas I bought myself a $3000 sex doll I got to “design” after some research, female even as a person who cares only for physical attraction I wanted the most entry ways if I was gonna do this and I’ve always enjoyed the fem men more anyway I do not like being penetrated so it was an easy choice not to pay for something I’m not into and dicks never were enjoyable to look at for me except my own …when my toy arrived and was ready for play I stayed in my room and kept going till it hurt my hips from thrusting and my testicals ached begging me.to stop. It was the best decision of my life because here it is now May 15th and since the pandemic hit it was like a sign from above. I now have sex near every single day at any time I want it, the unnamed toy in my closet now has more lingerie and accessories to enhance the psychological appeal than i ever had jocks or straps or any top male stripper stuff. I dom’t need to appeal to it, wait for it, it will never flake nor do I have to wait hell if it went for the fact of damaging her increasing bacterial build up leading to things like balantis there would be nothing I would have to do except go at it. I’m still very happy with it and I’ve even turned down offers from people old hookups i had given my number to for numerous reasons Covid cheif among them but mostly, I’m just not going to give a flake a chance to flake on me again… maybe one day I’ll go to a bar and someone will come up to me the old way there was no flaking when they are face to face with you but also…why would I ever go out to a bar when I could save the money and I had most likely a much better and satisfying experience ready and willing not but feet from me? She feels just like a person, moves just like a person, with some time spent warming and clothing can’t tell thedifference but maybe it’s been so long I forgot what it was like and I am thinking it’s only the same?..doesnt matter reality isn’t reality belief is and I might as well be a married, loyal man to my TPE 5’4″ tall sex doll that I designed head to toe to be perfect for me and she is nothing short of perfect.

  • Luke July 25, 2020

    I’d much rather be told you changed your mind, or want to meet another day. But don’t build up to a hookup and then block someone minutes before you were supposed to be coming over…

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