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One-Sided Sexiness?

I feel caught in an ongoing fighting loop with my partner. Essentially, we are arguing about sex more than we’re actually having it. Our heated discussions, when they happen, seem to go on forever and don’t land anywhere positive. I’m often so sexually frustrated—I seem to want sex way more than he does, and I can’t even remember the last time I wasn’t the one to initiate. He would probably say that my need for sex comes across as nagging, while he needs it to feel more “organic.” But if I leave it just to chance it will never happen. I feel that if he really cared for me he would be more hot for sex with me. A lot of resentment has built up around this issue and we’re going on a three-month dry spell. How do we get out of this rut?



Dear Ravi,
You might want to get your partner to pull up a chair, because I’ve got some things to say to both of you. Because the conflict surrounding sex has been going on for some time, it’s likely become very difficult to approach each other sexually without it feeling overly heavy. When every sexual moment starts to feel like a gigantic statement about whether the relationship is working or not, it becomes that much easier to avoid the bedroom at all costs. An essential step toward recovering some of the levity in your sex life requires both of you to let go of past resentments and pressure so that sex can become the playful and connected thing you both really need.


I feel for you as you sound like a pretty burnt-out lover. It can get exhausting to be the one always initiating—and that nagging role certainly isn’t going to boost your sex appeal. See if you can’t learn more about what helps your man get into the mood (whether it be showers together or you finally cleaning the oven). Think less in terms of “how can I get off today” and more about approaching your partner with the interest and curiosity you likely showed at the beginning.

If your guy continues to think that good sex can only come about organically, you two are in for an even longer dry spell.

When a relationship begins moving into LTR territory, you can’t bank on the lustful intensity that often accompanies a new romantic connection—eventually, that new-guy smell starts to wear off. He needs to meet you halfway and be willing to be more intentional about sex. You both could try shaking up the narrow focus on actual sex by weaving more flirtatious energy into your day-to-day lives together. This will undoubtedly help you see each other as sexual beings again. Remember: a lot of couples get so focused on the act of sex that they forget the virtue of good old-fashioned sexiness.