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“Rape” play not foreplay

My partner likes rape play and actually only gets turned on by being forced or hurt. She doesn’t get turned on by normal foreplay at the start. She does enjoy it during or after “being raped.” How do you re-learn to not start with “typical” foreplay?

Kym

Rape fantasies are pretty common, and lots of people like things a little rough. It sounds like you already know this, and are generally okay with the idea, but that you’re having a bit of difficulty in the implementation department, even though your question implies that you want to please your partner.

I’m guessing this might be a question of degree or frequency. It’s one thing to get into the occasional fantasy scenario, but when “typical” foreplay doesn’t ever work (at least not to start) and “rape” is the only thing that does, that’s a bit of a specialized requirement. This isn’t to say it’s bad or wrong—but it does seem to be throwing you for a loop.

So my first answer is a question: is it okay with you to always start with force? Are you comfortable being the “rapist” every time you have sex? This might not sit well with you, and that would be reasonable. Does playing that role turn you on? If so, does it turn you on every time? If not, how else does it make you feel? What kind of sex would you prefer to be having?

Remember, consent is just as important for the top as for the bottom. Playing the “rapist” is an intense, demanding role that involves a great deal of vulnerability on your part, psychological and possibly physical. You’re allowed to want this only some of the time, or not at all, or to be willing to go there to please your partner but to want other kinds of sex for your own enjoyment.

Either way, you need to have some in-depth discussions with her. Even if you are 100 per cent into this all the time, she needs to give you a full, detailed rundown of what does it for her. Does she just need some bossy energy and a bit of butt-slapping? Or does she need a full-on role-play scenario with a ski mask and a roll of duct tape? Does she need to be physically overpowered each time? Do you have the strength and ability to pull that off? What are her safety limits? And yours? Can the scenario vary, or are certain elements required? Are you comfortable with each element, or just some? How will either of you clearly indicate if something’s going terribly wrong?

If you’re not into being a “rapist” all the time, you need to discuss what else you can do together that will be mutually satisfying—or agree that you’ll trade off on who’s getting the kind of nookie they enjoy. After all, this is about two people in a relationship, not just one person getting to live their fantasy.

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