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Dating À deux

My girlfriend and I are both bi, and we’d like to date other people as a couple. How should we go about engaging additional partners without running into the unicorn hunter or male porno fantasy stigma?

Tom

For the uninitiated: a “unicorn” is a hot bisexual woman who’ll date both members of a man-woman couple. They’re known as unicorns because they are greatly sought after and extremely rare. Possibly mythical.

Thing is, this isn’t a question of matching desires. Plenty of bi women love the idea of shagging/dating/loving a pair of hotties. The problem lies in the approach. Far too many couples pursue hot bi women for the wrong reasons and in the wrong way, so those babes run in the other direction.

“You’re super hot, you could rev up our sex life.”

“I’d love to take you home… to have sex with both me and my partner, whom I didn’t mention ’til I bought you that third drink!”

“We’d really like to meet someone to complete us, to fall in love with both of us, form a triad and move in with us.”

Notice how the bi women here are being pursued as targets and trophies rather than as full human beings? Many bi gals are so accustomed to this that as soon as they sniff the barest hint, they lose interest. They experience enough objectification just being women— the last thing they want is more of it from potential lovers. A request to act as a human sex toy just isn’t a turn-on (most of the time). A bait- and-switch approach hopes that bisexuality/inebriation will trump someone’s desire for straightforwardness and honesty. And coming on strong is just needless pressure. It can take time to gauge interest in one person, let alone two!

If you’re interested in attracting bi women, take a good hard look at yourselves. What would such a woman find attractive about you, individually and as a pair? What might she want from you, and how would you feel about that? How healthy is your existing relationship? How would you make a new person feel safe, seen, considered, respected—not simply desired?

Now, take your answers and simply behave in the world in ways that reflect them. Make it known, generally, among your friends or in your online profiles, that you’re open to dating as a pair. And then see who approaches you. If you flirt, flirt honestly from go. Ask a lot of questions. Listen to the answers. Let her make the first move for sex, or listen for an unmistakably clear invitation to make yours.

There’s less of an established set of bad behaviours for het-ish or bi couples pursuing bi men; and bi men are not known as unicorns, they’re just assumed not to exist. So if a guy is your aim, you might need to be more direct.

But the same principles apply: prior self-examination as a couple and full respect for others’ humanity.

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