My girlfriend and I have been together for a few months, and the sex is intensely wonderful. She is a fantastic lover, and I am a very lucky woman. We have been apart a lot lately, and the pent-up energy and sexual tension make our time together really intense. Last week, in the middle of sex, she grabbed my throat in a moment of passion. The slight lack of air and crushing pressure made me come instantly. We were both surprised at how natural this felt, and how incredibly hot the whole thing went. But I sense she is scared to go there again. How can I reassure her how much I want this without freaking her out? She’s a good partner, and I want to keep her around, so any advice about how to put her at ease would be greatly appreciated.
For lots of people, a hand on the throat can be a powerful turn-on, and a little air deprivation often heightens the intensity of orgasm. You’re not alone!
But let’s start with the question of consent. It sounds like you didn’t talk beforehand about whether choking was okay, so your girlfriend might be harbouring feelings of guilt or discomfort, even if the experience took you to a happy place. There’s nothing wrong with being all badass in bed, but it can be a scary role if you’re worried it means you’re a budding serial killer. It’s worth having a conversation with her not about the act of choking you per se, but about how the two of you go about adding new things to your sexual repertoire. Maybe you like her springing things on you. Maybe you need a little discussion first, or a safeword in case things go awry. Remember that both tops and bottoms get to have limits. Ask her what she needs and tell her you won’t pressure her if she’s not comfortable with something. What matters is that you set up a system that works for you both. As for the choking itself, once you’ve got your system in place, simply tell her that it really turns you on and you’d love to do it again. Desire is sexy.
Next up? Safety. Choking is a pretty common turn-on but it can be genuinely dangerous. BDSMers regularly descend into flame-wars about this topic online. Some argue that there’s no guaranteed risk-free way to choke a partner, while others point out that choke-holds are a standard part of countless martial arts and deaths from it are practically unheard of. Realistically, during sex, your partner could squeeze too hard or too long and not notice she’s truly harming you. So think carefully about the risks and how to minimize them. Don’t discount the value of the psychological—a hand on your throat may do the trick without any actual air blockage, for instance. Or you could hold your breath on your girlfriend’s orders.
Talk, experiment, learn, talk some more. Good luck!
ANDREA ZANIN The Sex Geek blogs at sexgeek.wordpress.com. Email her at firstname.lastname@example.org